It’s going to be midnight soon as I write this, a blank page in front of me and I’m thinking up a credible solution to this ever-present, dooming, triggering question—how to let go of a friend who’s toxic?
What’s a friend who’s toxic?
Isn’t that like…an oxymoron? A toxic friend? What the heck?
I don’t trust it.
Table of Contents
The Process of Letting Go
Toxic friend.
Seriously, I don’t trust this phrase.
Even if I don’t, though, it’s like within myself, inside my heart I do know what the meaning for this expression is, and the thing is that I resonate with it, and so the only form of defense I know of is to insult it and pretend it isn’t there like a big question mark hanging over my head.
All my life, all I’ve been doing is letting go of friends. It comes naturally to me now. I made a friend in childhood, when I was probably six or seven or eight, I don’t remember. They all feel the same. This friend of mine, she had a really bright smile and her eyes got really tiny whenever she smiled. That’s surprisingly the only thing I remember of her.
She hung up a photo of us together in her house and showed it to me when I visited once for her birthday. I could swear at that time that we’d grow up together and turn into teenage besties or something. I could almost see it. But then she changed schools and changed numbers and I don’t know what happened for some years until I entered first grade and make a new friend out fo this girl who was a new admission.
We were inseparable for some time, the two of us. And then I made another friend and we spent four years eating each other’s lunch together and sitting together in classes and laughing and enjoying whatever we were doing. The one thing I remember of them was how we were in fifth grade once and they were planning for my birthday party secretively and so one lunch break they wouldn’t talk to me or even look at me at all (as their own form of surprise prank) and I got really worried as if I had done something wrong.
In fifth grade we all got mixed up in classes and I made new friends and they made new friends and the next year I knew one of them had changed schools again and another—well, she’s here, in my class, and she isn’t what I expected.
And this is what we want to talk about.
Sometimes friends change. Sometimes the children that you knew them as change a lot because they’ve grown up and then all of a sudden when you meet again you realise that they’re a completely different person now and they act as if they don’t even recognize you anymore.
But all you can think about while looking at them is that they’re changed in a way your ten-year-old self could’ve never even begun to imagine.
That brings us here at last.
How to let go of a friend, especially one who’s toxic and disappointing.
Most of the friends I ever had in life weren’t toxic. I don’t believe they were. They were just kids like me and sometimes maybe we behaved a little too much like kids. That was the only fault I could point out.
That still made the process of letting go necessary.
For your own sake, it is necessary to let go of friends who’re toxic.
How to Identify a Toxic Friend?
There are some signs that a toxic friend exhibits and to learn how to let go of a toxic relationship, you need to understand what the patterns of these relationships are and where the line draws so that no one crosses it.
The signs of toxic behaviour can be varying and sometimes hard to understand because you aren’t able to differentiate between friendly mockery and toxic influence. (You don’t know if they’re just childish, or actually insecure when someone else compliments you and not them.)
But if someone is manipulating you to the point that you aren’t allowed to take your own decisions without any external influence, where someone’s forcing you to abide by their own rules, where anything you say feels irrelevant, it is a toxic relationship.
If they are constantly criticizing you, calling you out, and it’s not just constructive criticism that elevates your performance, but is actually meant to pull you down and demotivate you, then it’s a toxic relationship.
If they never support you, to the point that anything you do has to go through this constant “surveillance”, and if they frequently try to validate you, base your performance on their opinions of it, you surely need to distance yourself.
I had a friend I’d talk to on the phone a lot. But talking to them actually just—I wouldn’t say it any other way—drained me. Talking to them exhausted me every single time. After a while I just stopped talking to them, stopped picking up their calls, and just made small conversations now. If interacting with someone makes you feel exhausted after it, to the point you feel devoid of any motivation or happiness and are just overwhelmed, it’s a toxic friend.
You need to look for these patterns that frequently can be seen in the toxic people. They cross your boundaries, even after you explaining them not to, and they do it often. They get on your nerves again and again.
It’s best to just leave this kind of a toxic relationship as soon as a possible.
Consider the huge impact they have on your mental and emotional well-being. Conside yourself, how they make you feel. It’s okay to put yourself first.
It’s okay to let go of such a toxic friend. Here’s how.
How to Let Go of a Friend Who’s Toxic?
The Mentality
Be it any kind of relationship, if it’s hurting us more than it’s giving us strength, then we need to let go of it.
Letting go of a friend—a toxic friend—someone you once used to love but now are confused about, someone you’ve told all your secrets to, just to watch them keep them in the light and mock and scrutinize them—letting go of someone who was once very special to you, all of it is very hard and unattractive, no arguments there.
And on top of all of that, you feel guilty, because, I don’t know, we’re friends, right?
What are we, as friends, supposed to do? Ignore all their mistakes, right? That’s a friend’s duty, in itself. Ignore all the times they made us feel little and all the times they’ve let their toxic traits show up and take control.
The problem with having a toxic friend is that you know they aren’t a bad person. No, absolutely not. You’ve known them since a long time, or probably know them well enough for it to be considered a long time, and you know every single one of their qualities and so you can say, very confidently, that they aren’t a bad person.
But sometimes it’s just…you second guess your belief.
They do something that hurt you. They do it again. Again. Again. And again. Repetitive toxic behaviour needs to be challenged. Or the person displaying this behaviour needs to be let go of.
Psychologists say that no person can pull up a false act for more than 6 months. After a period of 6 months, more or less, the person ends up showing their true personality.
That advice can come helpful if you decide to not trust someone too soon. Give them time. When dealing with a toxic friend, just keep that psychology fact in mind.
“You love them. They’re so nice. Amazing. We’ll be together all our life.”
I’ve had my own share of toxic friends. 5 months pass by…
“That’s not a nice thing they did. They’re rude. They get easily jealous of me and also easily insecure so much that they demand I say good things about them if just to shut them up. They’re always complaining, putting me down…”
And so on and so on.
And I feel guilty for not picking up their calls, for ignoring their texts. I feel guilty for choosing my mental peace over theirs.
But it’s necessary. And I’m tired of putting myself second.
The Doubt
Is your friendship strong enough? Are you each other’s strengths or weaknesses? Do you back each other up or do you call each other our? Honestly ask yourself if they are a toxic friend. Do they make you feel small? Worthless?
There might a doubtful period in between when you might be hesitant because you think if you just compromise a little bit more, hold yourself back a little bit more, maybe they’d stop their toxic behaviour and everything would be fine again.
Sure. Do that. And if the friendship is worth saving, save it. Friendship is a beautiful relationship. Don’t let it go if you can do anything to stop it.
If not, maybe you need to tell yourself now to let go of the friend.
The resolution
#1 let them down gently
You’ve been friends with them since long enough. The least you can do is let them down gently. Distance yourself slowly. Give both of you time to digest and heal from this change in your lives.
#2 write in your journal.
Tell someone why you’re doing this. The best person you can tell it to, who won’t judge you at all, is your journal. Your journal is not a person, okay, I get it, but your journal will help you get acquainted with your feelings. You can justify to your journal why you’re doing this.
#3 tell them why you’re doing this
It won’t just do to tell the journal about it, though, you should also tell your friend why you’re doing this. To let a toxic friend go, you need to tell them why you don’t think this will work. You need to give them proper closure regarding all the things that hurt you, it’s up to them if they decide to improve themselves or not.
#4 even if you feel lonely, don’t go back to them.
This is an important lesson to learn. They’ve probably been with you for a long time, and now suddenly not talking to them, not hanging out with them, not meeting them anymore might make you feel lonely. Even if you do feel lonely, don’t go back to them. You’re better off alone than with a toxic friend.
#5 prioritize yourself from the next time
All of this toxic friend drama began in the first place because you prioritized someone else over yourself, you let them get a better hold of you and control your emotions and mood. It’s best to get out of a toxic relationship as soon as possible, and the way to do that is to prioritize one’s own happiness and peace above everything else.
Your self-respect and happiness is more important than any friend of yours. If it makes you unhappy, leave.
How to Let Things Go That Bother You
Sometimes the things that bother you are also the things you love. Sometimes the people who bother you are the exact ones you kinda love, maybe used to, maybe still do.
But the one thing you need to realise in this scenario is that your mental and emotional health surpasses everything else. What use does a friend come to if they’re not there to elevate your personality and pull you ahead through difficulty and correct you on your mistakes and be gentle with you and make your life a little bit better whenever you hang out together? And I return, you do the same for them.
We all have friends we love, absolutely are in love with, and yet when those very friends hurt us, go behind our backs to talk bad about us, it destroys our trust and care.
For a while we stop caring. We need some time to heal to makes friends again.
I read this amazing quote somewhere on Pinterest: The worst thing about fighting with your best friend is that you can’t tell your best friend about it. Something like that.
And that’s crazy because it’s so true.
While besties are amazing and all, if they’re toxic and treated us ill, what other choice do we have than to let them go?
And then we end up feeling guilty about it too. So we try not to think about it.
Trying not to think about it won’t solve the problem. Think about it. Think over it. Sleep on it. Decide slowly. Find out if there’s another way, if maybe you can help them get to know their shortcomings and correct them.
If not, however, if there’s absolutely nothing that you can do, it’s best to just let your best friend go.
Suggested Reads:
How to Learn to Be Kind to Yourself? : 7 Beautiful Self-Care Tips
When to Stop Loving, To Not Lose Yourself in Love
How to Stop Needing Validation: 7 Ways to Finally Let Go of An Image
